"Recovery: the regaining of something lost or taken away."
I was smoking again. I was buying cigarette and smoking every time I went out for tea. I was no longer thinking or feeling guilty before lighting a cigarette. I in fact bought a packet again. When I took the first cigarette of the first packet I bought in months, it got me thinking again.
I thought, who was I fooling. Was it wise to let go of something, that I have achieved with so much effort. Something which is so difficult to achieve that I have seen many attempting but only few succeeding. I could not deprive myself of this achievement because of someone else. I respected myself a lot, a lot more than I cared for anybody else, for that to happen.
It was my respect for myself, which did not allow me to insult the effort put in by me in achieving the non-smoker status. How can I expect someone else to respect me when don't respect myself. Lakh take ki baat hai, gaanth baandh lo.
After the above thought I did not light anymore cigarettes from that packet I bought and so far that is the last packet of cigarette I have bought.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
SmokerJoe Doesn't Smoke. Part 6: Relapse
"Relapse: To fall or slide back into a former state."
Remember what triggered my decision to quit smoking? Well let me save the effort of going back and reading the part 1, it was because I did not want someone to hate me. Almost 5 months as a non-smoker, I realized that whatever I did could not prevent that person from hating me. Suddenly the reason for quitting smoking was no more. I was wandering alone in the streets of a town unknown to me, thinking about everything. Playing back every concerned event in my head. Every shop selling cigarettes again started to tempt me. Every time I passed a tea shop, I wanted to have tea and smoke as I used to do.
After struggling for few hours after the revelation, I gave up. I stopped at the next shop and bought two Classic Milds. I did not like the taste of it when I smoked the first one. It felt like I was smoking wood. It did not stop me from lighting the second one. I smoked the next one with much more ease and did not dislike the taste of it.
Next day morning I woke up and smoked my first cigarette of the day with morning tea and then every tea I had that day was accompanied by a cigarette, like it used to be. I was returning back to my old smoking ways.
Remember what triggered my decision to quit smoking? Well let me save the effort of going back and reading the part 1, it was because I did not want someone to hate me. Almost 5 months as a non-smoker, I realized that whatever I did could not prevent that person from hating me. Suddenly the reason for quitting smoking was no more. I was wandering alone in the streets of a town unknown to me, thinking about everything. Playing back every concerned event in my head. Every shop selling cigarettes again started to tempt me. Every time I passed a tea shop, I wanted to have tea and smoke as I used to do.
After struggling for few hours after the revelation, I gave up. I stopped at the next shop and bought two Classic Milds. I did not like the taste of it when I smoked the first one. It felt like I was smoking wood. It did not stop me from lighting the second one. I smoked the next one with much more ease and did not dislike the taste of it.
Next day morning I woke up and smoked my first cigarette of the day with morning tea and then every tea I had that day was accompanied by a cigarette, like it used to be. I was returning back to my old smoking ways.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Toofanon Se Jahan Nahi Badle Jaate
"Hawa tej chalta hai Dinkar Rao; topi sambhalo." was the dialog in my head when I first heard about so many youth pledging their support to Anna Hazare's anti-corruption campaign. Whosoever has seen Agnipath doesn't need to be told, what happens after that. Dinkar Rao is ousted at once by the tej hawa, but the change was short lived. I am sure if the movie continued for few more minutes we would have seen that not much changed in that village, except for faces. The reason to me looked very simple. Toofanon se jahan nahi badle jaate, uske liye barson tak ek disha me hawa bahni chahiye; because change caused by storm is destructive and short lived, because after the destruction normally the tendency to restore the original rather than re-invent. However constant effort in same direction will bring the change, which will be long lived and acceptable.
Call me whatever you may, I am just referring to something which was taught me in school. "karat karat abhyas ke jadmati hot sujaan, rasari awat jaat se sil par parat nishan." Which means, with constant effort even the biggest assholes can turn into gentlemen just like with repeated friction against the stone even a fragile rope can make a mark on the stone.
So the celebrations are premature. We need consistent effort in the desired direction and that can start any level. The important thing is, it should not stop till you start seeing markings on the stone.
Call me whatever you may, I am just referring to something which was taught me in school. "karat karat abhyas ke jadmati hot sujaan, rasari awat jaat se sil par parat nishan." Which means, with constant effort even the biggest assholes can turn into gentlemen just like with repeated friction against the stone even a fragile rope can make a mark on the stone.
So the celebrations are premature. We need consistent effort in the desired direction and that can start any level. The important thing is, it should not stop till you start seeing markings on the stone.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
SmokerJoe Doesn't Smoke. Part 5: Testing
"Testing: Take measures to check the quality, performance, or reliability."
Once I successfully managed to spend few days without smoke, it was time to test myself. Test whether I can resist it in most tempting situations. That very day I said no to my boss when he asked me to accompany him for smoke . Coincidently that evening Ajay was drinking. I don't know what he was celebrating; but he offered me a drink. I poured some whiskey for myself and started drinking. My target was to last that drinking session without smoking. It was made even more tempting and hence more difficult by Ajay's constant smoking right in front of me. No matter how much I was expecting it; to my surprise I passed the test. I did not smoke.
Next day was Saturday and I decided to test myself further. I don't know about others, but in my case cigarettes used to be a must while drinking beer. So Sat night, I was treating myself with beer and giving me company was my good old tv with some South Indian Super Star, who I am not able to recollect right now. I was determined to not smoke but somewhere down the line my mind tricked me. My mind decided that I needed a cigarette. I used the option I had kept for myself; the packet of classic milds. I lit one cigarette from it and was really surprised to notice that I did not like the taste of it. It was then I realised that I have quit smoking.
Once I successfully managed to spend few days without smoke, it was time to test myself. Test whether I can resist it in most tempting situations. That very day I said no to my boss when he asked me to accompany him for smoke . Coincidently that evening Ajay was drinking. I don't know what he was celebrating; but he offered me a drink. I poured some whiskey for myself and started drinking. My target was to last that drinking session without smoking. It was made even more tempting and hence more difficult by Ajay's constant smoking right in front of me. No matter how much I was expecting it; to my surprise I passed the test. I did not smoke.
Next day was Saturday and I decided to test myself further. I don't know about others, but in my case cigarettes used to be a must while drinking beer. So Sat night, I was treating myself with beer and giving me company was my good old tv with some South Indian Super Star, who I am not able to recollect right now. I was determined to not smoke but somewhere down the line my mind tricked me. My mind decided that I needed a cigarette. I used the option I had kept for myself; the packet of classic milds. I lit one cigarette from it and was really surprised to notice that I did not like the taste of it. It was then I realised that I have quit smoking.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Curious case of Shahid Kapoor
While watching Dil Bole Hadippa; yeah, yeah; the same movie where Harbhajan Singh dresses up like Rani Mukherjee and bats like Virender Sehwag; I realized how most of the movies acted in by Shahid Kapoor are so socially relevant and address to one social cause or other.
While Dil Bole Hadippa addressed the issue of male-female equality and how unfair it is to not let women play in the same team as men; his kismat connection highlighted the relevance of corporate social responsibility and how big corporate are damaging the society and nature in their rat race to earn profits. I remember hearing the words "global warming" somewhere during that movie. Then there is masterpiece Badmash Company, where he teaches us how success achieved by unethical means is short lived and unappreciated. The movie teaches us that it is ok to be stupid rather than unethical. Then there is pathshala questioning the commercialization of education.
His movies Shikhar, Chance pe Dance, Jab We Met teach us how we should follow our heart and we will achieve happiness and success together.I wish he learned some lessons from his movies and achieve happiness and success.
While Dil Bole Hadippa addressed the issue of male-female equality and how unfair it is to not let women play in the same team as men; his kismat connection highlighted the relevance of corporate social responsibility and how big corporate are damaging the society and nature in their rat race to earn profits. I remember hearing the words "global warming" somewhere during that movie. Then there is masterpiece Badmash Company, where he teaches us how success achieved by unethical means is short lived and unappreciated. The movie teaches us that it is ok to be stupid rather than unethical. Then there is pathshala questioning the commercialization of education.
His movies Shikhar, Chance pe Dance, Jab We Met teach us how we should follow our heart and we will achieve happiness and success together.I wish he learned some lessons from his movies and achieve happiness and success.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
SmokerJoe Doesn't Smoke. Part 4: Struggle
"Struggle: A forceful effort to get free of restraint."
First day after the decision. I woke up looked at the packet, for a moment held it, then realized that I don't smoke. Waking up in the morning and not lighting the cigarette was very strange. So I decided to use the flexibility I had factored. "I will for some days smoke only one cigarette in a day" I told myself. This decision helped me not light the cigarette then. The two options I gave myself were, light it now and don't smoke all day or delay it for later. I chose the second. Since I am the first one to wake up in the house, I was not subjected to the torture of watching Piyush and Ajay smoke.
Fortunately my boss was not in office that day. That meant one less temptation. I kept the packet I was carrying in my drawer and got to work. At 11 a colleague called me for tea. I went out for tea with him, did not light the cigarette. At least five people asked me why I was not smoking. "sala koi accha kaam karna bhi chahe to ye jamana nahi karne deta with all their questions." I told them that I am trying to cut down on smoking, since I had been smoking a lot lately. One irritant was not satisfied with this answer. "Why? Kisne bola?" he asked. "accha kaam karne ke liye bhi reason chahiye hota hai kya?" I answered.
After lunch, which supposedly is the most tempting part of the day for a smoker, I decided not to accompany my regular gang down and I directly headed back to my desk. I realized one good thing about smoking, if you delay the urge for couple of minutes, it doesn't kick in for few hours. I was planning to use this to my advantage. :)
I kept on delaying the urge and did manage to delay it till dinner. After dinner, I desperately needed a cigarette. I decided to compensate that urge by having some tea. What I did not factor was the fact that Piyush will also have tea with me and he will light his cigarette then. So as promised to myself in the morning, I did light and smoke one and only cigarette of the day.
Then I made another promise to myself. To put a deadline to this one cigarette a day arrangement. The deadline I decided was one week.
First day after the decision. I woke up looked at the packet, for a moment held it, then realized that I don't smoke. Waking up in the morning and not lighting the cigarette was very strange. So I decided to use the flexibility I had factored. "I will for some days smoke only one cigarette in a day" I told myself. This decision helped me not light the cigarette then. The two options I gave myself were, light it now and don't smoke all day or delay it for later. I chose the second. Since I am the first one to wake up in the house, I was not subjected to the torture of watching Piyush and Ajay smoke.
Fortunately my boss was not in office that day. That meant one less temptation. I kept the packet I was carrying in my drawer and got to work. At 11 a colleague called me for tea. I went out for tea with him, did not light the cigarette. At least five people asked me why I was not smoking. "sala koi accha kaam karna bhi chahe to ye jamana nahi karne deta with all their questions." I told them that I am trying to cut down on smoking, since I had been smoking a lot lately. One irritant was not satisfied with this answer. "Why? Kisne bola?" he asked. "accha kaam karne ke liye bhi reason chahiye hota hai kya?" I answered.
After lunch, which supposedly is the most tempting part of the day for a smoker, I decided not to accompany my regular gang down and I directly headed back to my desk. I realized one good thing about smoking, if you delay the urge for couple of minutes, it doesn't kick in for few hours. I was planning to use this to my advantage. :)
I kept on delaying the urge and did manage to delay it till dinner. After dinner, I desperately needed a cigarette. I decided to compensate that urge by having some tea. What I did not factor was the fact that Piyush will also have tea with me and he will light his cigarette then. So as promised to myself in the morning, I did light and smoke one and only cigarette of the day.
Then I made another promise to myself. To put a deadline to this one cigarette a day arrangement. The deadline I decided was one week.
Monday, April 4, 2011
SmokerJoe Doesn't Smoke. Part 3: Flexibility
"Flexibility: the capability to adapt to new, different and changing environment."
Just to paint a picture in front of you. At home I have Piyush smoking in front of me with cigarette, lighter and ash tray at arm's length where I spend most of my time at home i.e. in front of my TV. If I go to the other room I enter in a cloud of smoke created by Ajay's non-stop smoking. At work I have my boss asking at least thrice a day, "coming for a smoke?" Then there are so many at work and friends circle offering me a cigarette or wanting to borrow one. To top it all my grocery shop owner adding to whatever I order, "aur ek packet Classic Milds." Whoever has ever had the habit of smoking would understand what a task quitting it would be with everything around you prompting for it.
To begin with, I decide to carry a pack of cigarette with me even though I had no intentions of smoking from it. The idea of carrying the pack was, to not look at Piyush when he is lighting a cigarette from his pack, to be able to offer it to the friends and colleagues whenever they asked for, to tell my grocery guy that I already have a pack with me so I don't need and to top it all to convince myself that I can always light one whenever I feel like smoking but I am just delaying it. The longer the delay the urge to smoke will die down. That's what I thought. The most interesting part is, whenever anyone asked me, "have you quit smoking?" I answered, "I haven't quit. I just don't smoke anymore."
We humans are sucker for flexibility. This is how I fooled myself, the flexibility to fall back to the packet I was carrying in case I didn't like the idea of being a non-smoker.
Just to paint a picture in front of you. At home I have Piyush smoking in front of me with cigarette, lighter and ash tray at arm's length where I spend most of my time at home i.e. in front of my TV. If I go to the other room I enter in a cloud of smoke created by Ajay's non-stop smoking. At work I have my boss asking at least thrice a day, "coming for a smoke?" Then there are so many at work and friends circle offering me a cigarette or wanting to borrow one. To top it all my grocery shop owner adding to whatever I order, "aur ek packet Classic Milds." Whoever has ever had the habit of smoking would understand what a task quitting it would be with everything around you prompting for it.
To begin with, I decide to carry a pack of cigarette with me even though I had no intentions of smoking from it. The idea of carrying the pack was, to not look at Piyush when he is lighting a cigarette from his pack, to be able to offer it to the friends and colleagues whenever they asked for, to tell my grocery guy that I already have a pack with me so I don't need and to top it all to convince myself that I can always light one whenever I feel like smoking but I am just delaying it. The longer the delay the urge to smoke will die down. That's what I thought. The most interesting part is, whenever anyone asked me, "have you quit smoking?" I answered, "I haven't quit. I just don't smoke anymore."
We humans are sucker for flexibility. This is how I fooled myself, the flexibility to fall back to the packet I was carrying in case I didn't like the idea of being a non-smoker.
SmokerJoe Doesn't Smoke. Part 2: The Mind Games
"Mind Game: An act or series of acts of calculated psychological manipulation, especially in order to confuse or intimidate."
Once the decision was made the biggest task at hand was to convince my mind that I do not need cigarette. This was a tough task considering the number of smokers around me, who have been my partners in crime for past more than 8 years. There is this thing about partners in crime. It is not easy to let go of your partner. I could think of two reasons; one, aadat and two, it is difficult to find a new partner. Another problem with being surrounded by smokers is, you see cigarettes around you all the time and it becomes even more difficult to resist. It is too tempting. Like they say in movies, "is duniya me kadam rakhna jitna aasan hai, isse bahar nikalna utna hi mushkil."
Well; I was determined to do the mushkil part. Aasan kaam kiya to kya kiya. Besides, ek baar commitment kar di to fir main apne aap ki bhi nahi sunta, specially when the commitment is to self.
I had to play mind games with my own mind. Sounds weird? Weird it is. May be this weirdness made me succeed where many failed.
Once the decision was made the biggest task at hand was to convince my mind that I do not need cigarette. This was a tough task considering the number of smokers around me, who have been my partners in crime for past more than 8 years. There is this thing about partners in crime. It is not easy to let go of your partner. I could think of two reasons; one, aadat and two, it is difficult to find a new partner. Another problem with being surrounded by smokers is, you see cigarettes around you all the time and it becomes even more difficult to resist. It is too tempting. Like they say in movies, "is duniya me kadam rakhna jitna aasan hai, isse bahar nikalna utna hi mushkil."
Well; I was determined to do the mushkil part. Aasan kaam kiya to kya kiya. Besides, ek baar commitment kar di to fir main apne aap ki bhi nahi sunta, specially when the commitment is to self.
I had to play mind games with my own mind. Sounds weird? Weird it is. May be this weirdness made me succeed where many failed.
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