Got Kicked

The trailer of the movie came with statutory warning "mere baare mein jyada mat sochna. dil mein aata hun, samajh mein nahi." Like cigarette manufacturers rely on the addiction of its consumers, who buy and smoke it despite the warning on the box; bhai is also relying on the crazy (probably addicted) fan base, who fills the theatres despite the clear warning that this movie is not going to make any sense at all.

I am such a badass.

The movie starts with supposedly sulking Shaina Mehra, who is living in Poland with her family and is still not over with her past broken relationship. Her family forces her to meet super cop Himanshu Tyagi, who is on a mission. Shaina tells Himanshu the story of Devi Lal Singh who is an adrenaline junkie and will go to any extent for kick. However since 'wo dil ka accha hai', she falls for him.When she and her family insists for him to settle on a steady job, he breaks up with her. Himanshu is searching for Devil, who is a super thief. By the way, masked superhero on a cycle chase reminded me of Shiva ka Insaaf. This sums up the entire first half, which is so boring that I literally cheered when I saw intermission written on the screen. It was such a relief. 

Yaay....Shiva ka Insaaf.

Then enters Nawajuddin Siddiqui playing a villain straight from 'sara shehar mujhe lion ke naam se jaanta hai' school of acting. Not so surprisingly those are the only entertaining bits in an otherwise boring movie. He plays an over the top villain making bottle popping noise from his mouth and a weird laughter. 

Imagine the sound of a soda bottle getting opened

The credits show four writers that includes best-selling author of today's generation Chetan Bhagat and the producer-director Sajid Nadiadwala and all of them put together such a senseless screenplay that you are bound to questions their skills as  writers. The movie has multiple continuity errors like when Himanshu lands in Warsaw, Shaina's sister suggests her to take the tube (London's underground train network), Devil jumps from a building in Warsaw and lands inside a red double-decker bus bound to King's Cross stop (again in London), Devil crashes the bus off the bridge in Poland and in next scene he is in Delhi dancing to the tunes of Saat Samundar Paar in a deshi bar. I may have to write another post probably just to point out all such errors in the movie. The story is devoid of any logic like what the hell is that half bike-half car Devi Lal drives, why on earth Shaina is a psychiatrist, what kind of working parents commit suicide because they can not provide for the treatment of their ailing daughter, as if making a sick little kid orphan also is going to help in any way, super cop Himanshu tells his superiors about a patten in Devil's victims that all of them were rich and were in news in recent days and the next person to be robbed is a peon. So much for the pattern. Devil's master plan for the Warsaw robbery has as many holes as Chubul Pandey promised on Chhedi Singhs body. Yes, the makers of this movie are so insecure about themselves that they keep on making references to Chulbul Pandey and Dabangg. 

Presenting the bike rickshaw... or you can call it the next gen cycle rickshaw

The movie has dialogues like 'meri cat mujhi se meow'; 'social psychology ke hisab se ek insaan ki pehchan uske kaam se hoti hai' and when Devi invites Shaina to a club she asks herself 'yahan main use kya therapy dungi'. Another super irritating thing is that every character, no matter how small, in the movie says the word 'kick' at least a dozen times and every time any character said kick, I felt like getting kicked (or slapped). 

Therapy session. (wow Jacqueline)

 I just wonder for how long Bhai is going to take his fans/audience for granted. The only satisfying thing about the experience was that the movie was not houseful (60% occupancy) on the first day night show and I hope the movie makes way less than the expectation so that Salman understands that it is about time ki wo logon ko samajh mein bhi aane lagein warna dil ke darwaje bhi band ho jayenge.

Chennai Express

I recently watched Chennai Express and throughout the entire duration of the movie I could not figure out why this movie is the biggest ever grosser in bollywood. It frustrated me so much that I felt like jumping into the well sized plot holes. I slept over this thought and in the morning I was woken up with fresh stream of ideas. Considering the movie is a blockbuster imagine many years from now if someone watches this movie he would watch it with the assumption that it is a great movie and they will try to justify the greatness. What would that person write about Chennai Express is what this post is all about. 

'Get on the train, baby!' wow! what a catchy line. This line sets up the tone of the movie and is played every time the lead couple is on the run, which they are many times in the movie. By the end of the movie I found myself saying this phrase every time it played and it is still playing in my head. Simply amazing. The movie is neither about the train Chennai Express nor it is set up in Chennai but a forced journey in Chennai Express turns out to be the turning point in the life of our hero. Also I feel that Chennai is used as a metaphor to address entire Tamil community. What thought process on account of the legendary director Rohit Shetty; which wikipedia tells me makes only blockbusters with only exception to some movie called Zameen. However wikipedia blames the failure of that movie on Abhishek Bacchan who seems to have the power of turning anything he touches into dust. I hear that in later years of his life he was forced to wear gloves all the time.

'He is so old. No... I don't want to run.'

Anyway, I digress. Shifting our focus back to Chennai Express. The hero is a 40 year old man played by Shahrukh Khan who is suffering from a medical condition that restricted his mental growth somewhere during his teens. So while he looks 40, he still behaves with the maturity level of a 16 year old. I am sure this is some rare medical condition, which director wanted to bring to our attention. I think such movies highlighting rare medical conditions were big during that time. I remember watching a movie called 'My Name is Khan'; which was a big hit; however there was another movie during that time 'Paa' that was not as big a hit but thanks to recently gained above mentioned knowledge from wikipedia, I now know the movie must have failed to make it big because of Mi-dust touch of Abhishek Bacchan. I hear he even managed to turn his wife, who used to be a global icon, into worthless after marriage. Such was the legendary Mi-dust touch of his and I think it was she who forced him into wearing gloves to save the entire family. I wonder if someone wants to make a movie on that. I would be happy to write a script on that.

I digress again. So our hero Rahul gets into the Chennai Express only to get down at next station to go to Goa but fate has some other plans for him. While getting out he sees a girl running on the platform to catch the train and somehow he gets nostalgic, probably remembering his younger days and instead of getting off he helps pull her up. Then he sees four dudes running to catch the train and again gets nostalgic, probably remembering Karan Johar and pulls them up too; only to later realize that those 4 big dudes have kidnapped Mina-something-I-cannot-pronounce and she was running from them. So she was running from her family near Chennai and she catches a train, which takes her back to same place. I am sure director wanted to show us the power of fate otherwise under her circumstances this would have been the last train anyone else would have taken. Anyway they communicate in funniest possible way and land in her village. She convinces her father that she loves Rahul and wants to marry him and entire village seems to be okay about it until a huge guy comes along and challenges Rahul for a fight in Tamil. Since Rahul does not understand Tamil and has the maturity level of a 16 year old, he nods. Then he runs away and is brought back by the Sri Lankan police, which I think is director's way of showing global collaboration and neighbor solidarity. Then they run away and are brought back again. Then they run away again and come back on their own this time. Why? Because Rahul has a mental disorder. Director has so beautifully presented this disorder by his action without actually mentioning it even once.

He...

...beats him. Such is the power of love.

Anyway, in the end due to power of love a 40 year old defeats some 20 goons who are all much fitter and bigger than him. This power of love transform all the bad guys and they live happily ever after and how. By singing and dancing to the tunes of legendary Yo Yo Honey Singh. He is so cool, as in, 'Yo'. His voice is sweet like 'Honey' and he roars like a 'Singh' when someone finds any vulgarity in his songs. Everyone is dancing in front of pictures of Tamil contemporary God Rajni. Such meaningful are the lyrics of the song and what use of 'lungi'. Lets pause for a moment to sing 'lungi' prayer to Rajni. 

This was the biggest blockbuster of its time so it must be a good movie so what if I cannot find the good part. Gems are usually hidden and difficult to find. So many people collectively cannot be wrong so there must be something lacking in my movie watching process that I may have missed these carefully hidden gems. I am sure regular 'lungi' dance in front of Rajni God will give me necessary skills to appreciate such movies. 

Attire for 'lungi' prayer.

Common Sense: An Autobiography

You all are responsible.

Hi Everyone! I guess there should not be any need to introduce myself because all of you must know me, however if I consider that, there should not have been any need to right this autobiography as well. So let me first introduce myself. I am common sense. I got that name because I am common among all individuals (people in old times were not very creative when it came to naming things). That also means that when I take any decision irrespective of on whose behalf I am taking that decision, it remains the same under same circumstances. Like when an elevator door opens my decision is to let individuals inside the lift get out before you get in. So as long as people using the elevator are allowing me to decide their actions everyone inside the elevator desiring to get off on that particular floor will first get out of the elevator and then people outside will enter. Doesn't it sound like utopia? That's the power I have to change your lives for good, if you allow me to. The problem is I no longer exist. I died long back. 

That's me tingling.

I am sure you want to know how I died. Well; I was driven to commit suicide by all of you. Before we get to the end, lets first explore the beginning. Like most of the celebrated success stories, I also had a very humble beginning. I was born inside the minds of animals, before humans even came into existence. Those animals used me to improve their lives. If you are familiar with the concept of social animal you should also know that it was me in their little brains who prompted them to live in groups to improve their chances of survival. I was having very interesting childhood inside these animals and by the time I became adolescent humans came into existence. Like any other confused teenager, I took some confused decisions in the beginning and got into conflict with curiosity. Sometime curiosity won over me but later we both realised the futility of these conflicts and decided to work together for the betterment of human existence. It was me in partnership with human curiosity who shaped the early years of human existence. Whenever curiosity dictated something you looked at me for the advice and most of the time you followed that advice and fortunately I never let you down. I peaked when humans started forming societies and started living together. It was no problem because they all used me for taking decisions on common matter and they agreed with each other on the decisions taken because it was me taking decisions on all of their behalf. Trust me, I used to be a big deal back then. Everyone would consult me before taking any decision and I was enjoying that.

As it happens with every good thing. I was also not to remain at the top forever. Things started changing. Some people who were smarter than others decided that it is difficult for the less smart ones to decide trivial things on their own, so they decided to make rules to help them decided. These basic rules of life were called religion and everyone was expected to lead their lives governed by these rules. When some people tried to consult me on certain matters and I suggested them something that was against the rules defined by religion, they were frowned upon by the people who got their power by becoming the so called caretakers-cum-enforcers of religion. Situation got so bad that people consulting me were even tortured and many times killed by these religious warlords holding the positions of power. 

Dramatic representation.

I saw many ups and downs from that point onward. Sometimes making the situation even worse by giving birth to even more religions and hurting myself in the process all the time. Then at some point in time another group of powerful people decided to come up with new sets of rules and started calling them law. Now I was becoming irrelevant in human world. Instead of consulting me in their day today lives they had to decide based in these set of rules sometimes in the name of religion and some time in the name of law. I did not give up at this point. I still kept fighting for my survival. I started suggesting people on how to follow those rules i.e. still consulting them on their lives however with my limited capacity. 

The last blow to my survival came when people even started defining processes to follow these policy. That is when my relevance became almost non-existent. People would not refer to these processes instead of consulting me. One day I saw a notice at the entrance of an elevator "please allow people inside the elevator to get out first before trying to enter." That was the day I decided that this is the end of me and I decided to commit suicide and leave the human kind on their own in their battle for survival. I jumped from the heads of the humans on the ground and these stupid humans by now not aware of me instead of picking me up crushed me under their feet. 

You get the idea what I am talking about.

I wish good luck to human kind in their battle for survival and I hope they come out stronger but I know very well that with me dead, this battle is already lost by the human kind and they are heading towards their inevitable doom; unless some part of me still survives in the heads of some smart human beings and they are smart enough to revive me. My only message to everyone out there is to help these humans revive me instead of frowning on them and suppressing their efforts. You survival depends on it.

Yeah. That guy. Don't suppress him.