I Hate Spammers

I probably would be one of the biggest victims of spams, considering that  I win multimillion dollars  euros and rupees every week, some dying nigerian prince wants to share his wealth with me for some reason (considering the amount of such mails I receive I believe life expectancy for Nigerian princes is very low and every Nigerian is a wealthy prince), everyday at least one girl promises to be the best life partner I could ever have, some mails have even started selling me child insurance (probably hoping that I would have by now fallen for one of those marry me spams), often RBI or Income Tax department expects me to share my account details with them, which they already have easy access to. Sometimes I receive mails with suspicious attachments, which I have never had the courage to open. Every week I receive multiple tips about earning quick money from home and almost daily I receive multiple e-mails about some walk-in for some opening in some call center offering me 10 times lower salary than what I already earn. All these are mails delivered to my inbox. Now imagine what I would find if I ever check my spam folder which receives at least 10 times more mails than the inbox. 

However recently I have noticed that I do not receive any such mails on a Sunday. That made me wonder that these spammers have become organized and have started taking weekly offs. Since I started the thought process, I continued and decided to trace the roots of spams. According to wikipedia "Spam is the use of electronic messaging systems to send unsolicited bulk messages, especially advertising, indiscriminately." I think that spams go much beyond the invention of electronic-mails. 

I belong to a generation that probably still remembers that post offices were not exclusively intended to be used for sending government or corporate communications. I have used inland letters and postcards during my early hostel days to communicate with my parents and I remember receiving postcards with some story written in it and asking me to send 10-100 such postcards to random addresses if I do not want to be cursed or if I want to be blessed. Much similar to a picture of some god on facebook asking you to share the picture if you want the blessings. Now writing a postcard and posting takes much effort than clicking share button on facebook yet just the fact that I myself have received some such postcards means that some people then used to put that effort. The number could have been much higher it the postcards said "Alcohol god will drink all your stock for a dry day if you do not share this with 25 people" or "the hot girl in your college will fall for you if you send this to 10 people" (much like deodorant commercials) etc.

Nowadays with social media becoming so prominent we are seeing multiple people becoming spammers without even realising it. Otherwise how do you classify multiple people sharing posts with titles like "Share and see what happens" (this I think is the most stupid of them all), "if you love you mother, share this post" (now how much I love my family is decided basis the amount of spamming I do), "Share, if you love Jesus" (if I do not share an stupid post on facebook, somehow that makes me an atheist). Most prominent of them all are by these pseudo patriots who believe that clicking like on a facebook post with change the country and make it corruption free. These guys more often share posts with content, which they were too lazy to verify. The height of this stupidity reached its peak when some prominent people in our national politics thought that they can make APJ Abdul Kalam the president of the country again without him even contesting for the post. 

In short. I hate spammers. Except for the ones who are too stupid to make me laugh. 

Inspired by Saas-Bahu style fights with-in team Anna, Balaji announces a daily soap around the same

So many fights among various members of team Anna has inspired leading TV producer Balaji telefilms to launch a daily soap around the same. A senior executive in Balaji confirmed to Faking News, "These fights are so much similar to saas-bahu fights, which is the premise for all our daily soaps and we want to jump to the opportunity and exploit the situation. This will also save us whatever we spend on screenwriter ans will be a unique combination of daily soap and reality TV thus capturing both the audience groups."

"Anna is like baa, who is respected being the eldest in the family but everyone thinks he is too old and senile to take a correct decision hence nobody follows his instructions. Baba Ramdev is like the illegitimate child trying his best to be adopted by the family name but this decision is not liked by the legitimate children of the family. That is why the eldest son Arvind stages a walk-out from the ceremony of including Ramdev as a family member." He draws a comparison from the latest event.

"This is not only about the plot and story line. It is also a wise business decision. We have found out that the TRP of Arnab's news hour debate on Times Now goes higher than our prime time shows on the days of these fights in team Anna. It is a clear indication that common Indian enjoys the drama in Anna's family more than the drama in Kapoor family." He justifies the decision further. "We have even modeled a character inspired by Arnab, who is like the Narad muni from those mythological serials" he adds further.

*Originally written for Faking News.

I want to be the President

So much discussion around coming presidential election has got my attention again after five years about the existence of the post. Since now I am again made aware of it, I somehow am feeling the urge to go for it. Not because I want to serve the nation by becoming the President. That is clearly not what last president did, as per the information available to us, which is almost non-existent. So I am assuming that if nobody was aware of your existence, you clearly did not do anything that made any difference.

Why I want to be the President is because of the benefits associated with it. Such as, you get to live in one of the biggest houses in the world for five years. You get to holiday in all corners of the world along with your family and friends without worrying about the cost, since Indian public is paying so much tax to sponsor those holidays anyway. Even when you are out of office all your expenses are sponsored by the government. Above all you do not have any accountability of any of your actions or inaction. This clearly sounds like the best job in the world.

What more, I think I am also qualified for the job. I do not have any political affiliations. Nobody knows me. I can even enjoy my holidays better than the current President. I will not make for an awkward sight on a beach. Besides our country will feel so good on finally having a president who can walk on his own without any assistance. It can also help fool other world leaders for India finally becoming a progressive country by having a young head of state.

The only thing that probably disqualifies me for the job is that I am not completely useless.

First Day in Pune (Summer of 2004)

During the summers of 2004, I was in Pune for my summer internship in Forbes Marshall, Kasarwadi. I was new in Pune and was staying at Kothrud with some of my seniors from IIT. I checked with one of my seniors, whom we used to call uncle, the way to reach Kasarwadi. Uncle told me that I would get a bus from the nearest bus stop to Corporation and from Corporation I can get bus to any place. 

Next day morning I was at the nearest bus stop waiting for the bus that would take me to the corporation. There were some people waiting at bus stop so I decided to ask them if there were any direct bus to my destination Kasarwadi. I asked one bystander, which bus would take me to Kasarwadi. He responded, "Nigadi jayegi". I did not understand what he meant. I thought Nigadi must be some word in marathi. I checked with some other people and they all gave me same response. So I decided to walk to next bus stop. People at the next bus stop also told me the same. I thus walked to the 5th bus stop from Kothrud and checked with people standing there. This person again told me, "Nigadi jayegi." I couldn't stop but ask him, "yahan bus ke number nahi hote kya?" This guy somehow understood my problem and told me that he is going to the same direction and I can accompany him. So I decided to follow him.

The person from the bus stop climed the next bus and I followed. He asked for the ticket to Manapa and I did the same. The bus finally stopped at Manapa and the person got off the bus and I climbed down with him. The guy asked me to get a ticket for Kasarwadi from the ticket counter. After getting the ticket I got in the bus and I noticed that Nigadi is a place and not a Marathi word and all those people were at those bus stops were trying to tell me that the buses going to Nigadi will pass through Kasarwadi. On my way to Kasarwadi I was looking out of the bus and I noticed at one particular place on a wall just above a window Khadaki was written and I told myself, "kitne pagal log hain, khidaki ko khadaki likh rakha hai." 

Finally I noticed Forbes Marshall office and got off the bus. In the evening I had to come back to Kothrud and the helping stranger from morning was obviously not there. So I decided to follow the same path back. I waited for a bus and got on the first bus I got. In the bus I asked the conductor to give me a ticket to Manapa. I gave him the money and he gave me the ticket. Then another person who climbed the bus with me asked for a ticket to Corporation. That reminded me what uncle said previous morning. So I asked the conductor to give me a ticket to Corporation instead of Manapa. The conductor looked at me and told me, "same hi hai." I thought may be the cost of ticket to Manapa and Corporation is same. In the bus I noticed some people buying tickets for Khadaki also. Finally the bus stopped at Manapa and everyone got out. I realised that this is the last stop and this will probably not go to Corporation, so I got down. The moment I got off the bus I looked up and noticed a big bright red sign board Pune Municipal CORPORATION, MAha NAgar PAlika.

That day I learned three things Nigadi is name of a place, Corporation and Manapa are same and Khadaki is not a spelling mistake.

Roadies Audition

Ranvijay: Naam kya hai tumhara?

XYZ: xyz.

Ranvijay: Matlab.

XYZ: Sir, main variable hun. 

Rajiv: Matlab kya hai tumhara. Ye tumhara real name hai?

XYZ: Nahi sir. Pahle mera naam kuchh aur tha. Fir maine maths mein padha ki xyz ko jis bhi equation mein daal do unki value equation ke hisab se badal jaati hai. Mujhe laga main bhi waisa hi hun. Situation ke hisab se badal jata hun. Isliye maine apna naam change kar diya xyz.

Raghu: Tu Roadie kyon banna chahta hai?

XYZ: Kyonki main ban sakta hun.

Rajiv: Tujhe aisa kyon lagta hai ki tu Roadie ban sakta hun?

XYZ: Kyonki main variable hun. Main kuchh bhi ban sakta hun. Roadie bhi.

Raghu: Tujhe pata hai Roadies mein kaisi situations hoti hain?

XYZ: Sir, variable ko kabhi faraq nahi padta use kisi bhi equation mein daal do.

Ranvijay: Ok. Prove us, you are what you say you are. A variable.

XYZ: Aapko kya lagta hai, main abhi tak kya kar raha tha?

Story Telling: Where RA-One Went Wrong

After watching RA-One while in conversation with Sunny (my friend who accompanied for the movie) we discussed the one very basic thing that was wrong with this movie and had it been taken care of the movie could have been on a different level. I thought I must write this post so that anyone interested in creating a story benefits from it.

There is one basic rule of any sci-fi story and for that matter any story which is told in another space, time and does not follow the understood rules of the nature in the world we know. The rule is that you need to first define the rules of the environment and then follow the rules throughout the story without defying them. Any exception to any of the pre-defined rules makes the story weaker because you end up ridiculing your own rules. Pick any good science fiction and this rule applies. In Avataar Cameron goes to great length to define the Pandora and surroundings. One of the finest such movie I have seen in recent times Inception spends almost half of its run time to first define the rules and then the entire movie is woven around those rules. For that matter take Judgement Day, which loosely inspired some part of the RA-One's plot. Imagine if somewhere in the middle of the movie the robot somehow develops emotional intelligence. He is a machine throughout the movie and behaves basis his programming. I-Robot is another such example. Where rules of the environment are mentioned multiple times through the movie for the audience to keep tab of the same.

Any creative liberties you want to take must be taken while defining the rules and the environment but one the same is defined your story must stick to them without any deviation. Like in RA-One the character of RA-One in the game is a bot and does not need any third party to control it, however the character of G-One needs a player, i.e. any person wearing the suit, to control  it. In the movie sometimes G-One is following the instructions of the kid without being able to act on his own, while in some other scenes he just doesn't need the kid or anyone else to control his actions. Had they remained true to this one rule and would have shown G-One in control of the kid throughout the movie, it could have been more fun. G-One is nothing but a walking-talking computer program out of a first person fight video game and it is silly to show him sing and dance to the tunes of Chammak Chhallo.

I have already spent a lot of words writing about RA-One hence would not go into it again. You can read the other post if interested.

When I Got Conned: Using the Simplest Trick in the Book

Last night when I landed in Mumbai after a week long vacation with my family on the occasion of Diwali, I was lost in the memories of time spent with my family after a gap of a year. As soon as I came out of the terminal I found an empty taxi on the road and I stopped it. The conversation that followed was as follows:

Me: Powai?

Driver: Haan.

At this point I got inside the taxi.

Driver: Powai mein kahan?

Me: Hiranandani.

Taxi driver moved the taxi behind then moved it forward and stopped it in the same position. (Now I think it could be some kind of a signal to his partner.)

After stopping the taxi, driver turned around and asked me: Aapne parchi li?

Me: Kaisi parchi?

Driver: Ye prepaid wali taxi hai?

Me: Ab parchi lene to main nahi ja raha, itni samasya hai to main utar jata hun.

While I was about to get out of the taxi, another man entered the taxi and sat beside the driver in the front seat.

Con man: (to the driver) Kya hua?

Driver: Inhone parchi nahi li.

Con man: Kahan jana hai?

Driver: Hiranandani.

Con man: Arrey sawari bitha ke utarte nahi hain. Main paise deta hun chhod ke aa ja.

Con man: (handing over a 1000 Rs note to the driver) Ye lo 500 Rs le lo, gas bhara lena aur sir to chhod aao.

Driver: Chhutte do.

Con man: (to me) Aapke paas change hai?

I promptly took out two 500 Rs notes and handed over to the man in exchange of the 1000 Rs. While I looked down to keep the 1000 Rs note in my wallet, the con man exchanged the 500 Rs with two 100 Rs notes.

Con man: Sir, 1000 Rs diye maine.

Me: Haan, to maine diye to do 500.

The con man showed the two 100 Rs notes in his hand to me. At this point I realized I have been cornered and these guys have conned me off 800 Rs but I was not is a position and mood to fight with two guys over 800 Rs, so I decided to get rid of the taxi and pick another one. Even after all this the con man had the guts to ask me, "250 Rs de do chhod aayega."

After leaving the taxi I do not know what I did was the best thing to do at that point or I could have handled the situation better. This incident has made me more alert though. I am posting this so that others reading this also are alert and avoid getting caught in such situation. It's not the money gone which hurts, that's not that big an amount, it's the thought that you were outsmarted that hurts more.

Corporate Jadugar: Time Manipulation

We are always told so many things about time being constant, you have to follow time, it doesn't follow you and so on. Now such fundamentals are for us mere mortals. For our magicians they do not apply because they have mastered the art of manipulating time in their favour.



Following example will illustrate the way these masters of the corporate world play with time.



In case you write a mail to Mr X and he does not reply to you in lets days 2 days, you will escalate the case to his boss. Now X is smart. He does something which in the face of it will look very normal and logical thing to do, but in doing so he is actually creating time for himself that nobody takes note of.



X forwards your mail to one of his subordinates Mr. Y, marking all the concerned parties and asks him to action on that particular actionable. Now if Y does not revert in next 2 days, what will you do? Well, you will write a follow up mail to Y, because you have never written to him before. If Y doesn't revert even then, you will write back to X after 2 days asking for his intervention. Subsequently after 2 more days if X does not revert you will escalate to his boss.



If you analyze the above event closely, you would see the escalation that would have happened 2 days from the day you wrote to X will now happen after 6 days, so he actually created 4 more days for himself by doing something very simple seemingly harmless thing which did not require any significant effort on his part.



While everyone was too busy looking at the end point X quietly shifted the starting line behind. :D

Corporate Jadugar: Illusion of Approval

It's been almost 6 years since I have first ventured into corporate world. Although all these years I have worked in only one company, my job role allowed me to interact with a lot of people from different parts of business within and outside our organization. These people have different ways of approaching any situation depending on the position and business vertical they are in. Some of these people have been really special in their ways of dealing with their responsibilities. I have recently started calling such people Corporate Jadugar. In due course you will understand the reason I have chosen this term.



In my attempt to put forward some of the common illusions these magicians pull off during their today life, I am starting this series. Here is my first post among a series of posts I intend to write in future.



Illusion of Approval

One of the very first thing I learned after entering to corporate world, was that you require approvals to perform any significantly important tasks. Sometimes you may even require approvals for not so important tasks as well. Dictionary meaning of the word says "The action of officially agreeing to something or accepting something as satisfactory." So the person who is approving anything takes over the responsibility of anything that particular action will result into. If the result is desirable, nobody has any problem but in case of undesirable and harmful outcome the approver might get into trouble.



To save themselves from such troubles in case of an undesired outcome our Corporate Jadugar have come up with this magic trick called "illusion of approval". In this case you will get the approval from the CJ but in case of any mishap the approval will suddenly disappear.



Here I describe the curious case of disappearing approval. It is very simple but effective trick.



Lets assume I need an approval from a Function Head for some action I am going to perform, which I believe is going to benefit the organization. In such a scenario I write to the person at my level in the respective function. The communication would be something like this:



"Dear X, I intend to do this action which will result into certain benefits for the organization without adding to any risk."



Mr X here is very smart and is trainee Jadugar. He will send following communication to his Unit Head.



"Dear UH, Gaurav says this particular action is beneficial for the organization and also does not involve any additional risk, hence based on Gaurav's recommendation please recommend this."



Now point to be noted here is that Mr X himself has not made any recommendation. He is asking is boss to act on my recommendation. Now Unit Head, who is a Jadugar himself will write the following mail to his Function Head.



"Dear FH, Mr X says this is good, hence request your approval for this based on X's recommendation."



To this our senior Jadugar will revert.



"Dear UH, based on your recommendation I am approving the following."



At this point you will believe that you have received the Function Head approval and proceed. Now in case of any mishap you will be asked to reproduce the approval. When you reproduce this conversation, you yourself will realize that the approval has suddenly disappeared. When you read the entire conversation again you will know that the approval you received was based on X's recommendation you actually did not make any recommendation in the first place. So if anyone is to be blamed for the mishap is you.



This reminded me of an old joke I heard very long ago. The joke goes something like this:

One guy walks in to a sweets shop and asks, "aadha kilo jalebi dena."

When shopkeeper starts packing the jalebi's the guy says, "ek kaam karo, jalebi rahne do. uske badle mein aadha kilo rasgulle de do."

When shopkeeper starts packing rasgulla's the guy changes his mind again and says, "accha rasgulle bhi rahne hi do. uske badle mein aadha kilo gulab jamun de do."

Shopkeeper packs the gulab jamun and hands over to the guy. When shopkeeper asks for the money the guy says, "kis baat ke paise?"

Shopkeeper replies, "gulab jamun ke"

The guy responds, "lekin wo to rasgulle ke badle mein liye."

Shopkeeper, "to theek hai rasgulle ke hi paise de do."

The guy, "lekin wo to jalebi ke badle liye the."

Shopkeeper, "haan to jalebi ke hi de do."

The guy, "lekin jalebi to maine li hi nahi to uske paise kyon dun."

Way to Jim Corbett

We were back after watching super boring "Tanu weds Manu" on Siso's recommendation. Back home while having dinner over few drinks Siso mentioned about planning a trip to Vaishno Devi in coming weekend. We got to know that next day was holiday for Siso and I was already on vacation. So we discussed and decided to go to Jim Corbett Tiger Reserve. We left for Jim Corbett at 11:30 pm with Siso's GPS enabled phone as our guide. Few kilometers away from home we realized technology is not always helpful when the aunty from the GPS system made us make 2 full circles to bring us at the same spot. That is when we decided to not follow aunty's instructions.

We hit NH 24 and by around 2 am, just before Moradabad we met a long queue of trucks, with no way to pass them. Finally we managed to cross the long queue and got confused by the policemen, who had blocked the entry of heavy vehicles on the flyover. So, instead of taking the flyover, we took the by lane. When we reached the turn that connected to the the road we missed, we were met by few policemen blocking the entry. Following conversation followed:
Me: Hume Nainital jana hai. Ye rasta kyon band hai?
Policeman: Lekin ye rasta to band hai.
Me: Lekin upar se to chalu hai. Gadiyan ja rahi hain.
Policemen: To tum yahan kaise aa gaye?
Siso: Wo trucks ko nahi jaane de rahe. Hum galti se trucks ko follow karte hue idhar aa gaye.
Policeman 2: Theek hai idhar se nikal jao.

And we managed to come back on NH24 again.

Few kilometers ahead, we stopped at Choudhary Highway Tourist Dhaba and there we had awesome tandoori parathey and tea. We spotted a unique college behind the dhaba. Well, that was the name of the college and also Ahsan Para Medical College. Not sure students yahan padh ke teachers pe ahsan karte hain ya fir it's other way round.

At this moment Siso decided to consult his GPS system and aunty told us Nainital is 387 Kms ahead. At this point Siso said, "aunty pagal ho gayi hai." Next mile stone told us that Lucknow was 321 Kms from there. Aunty ne pata nahi kahan ki distance calculate kar li thi.

Finally when we took the turn to Jim Corbett, it was around 4 AM and we were almost 60 KMs away. We thought we can make it there by 5:30 AM and go for 6 AM safari. Lekin khuda ko kuchh aur hi manjoor tha. We again met long queue of trucks and this time there was no way we could cross them. On inquiry we were told that the jam will be cleared by 2 in the afternoon. At this point following conversation followed betweem me and Siso,
Siso: "main wapas jaa raha hun."
Me: "abbey pareshan mat ho, koi dusra rasta bhi hoga."
Siso: "arrey dusra rasta nahi hota. ek hi chadhai hoti hai."
Me: "aise kaise. delhi to kitni saari directions se enter kar sakta hai."
Siso: "nahi. hill stations me aisa hi hota hai. ek hi rasta develop karte hain. Mount Abu me aisa hi hai."
Me: "abbey mount abu me hota hai to iska matlab duniya ke sare hill stations me same hoga kya."

We found out that there was an alternate way via Rampur. That somehow got Siso excited.

Siso: "arrey Rampuri to chaaku hoti hai naa."
Me: "haan, filmon me to yahi dikhaya hai."
Siso: "abbey sahi hai. ab agar hum jim corbett nahi pahuche to wapas jaake kahani suna denge ki hume rampur me dakuon ne rampuri chaku dikha ke loot liya."

At this point we realized, we were driving on such a bad road and I pointed out that we are in UP and all the budget to develop the road has been consumed by more important Mayawati's statues. I told Siso, "priority samajhte ho?" Siso was cursing the road and UP government so much, I am sure next day Mayawati would have woken up with swollen face and viral fever.

From Rampur, we had taken left turn to NH 87, which was leading towards Haldwani. On the way we did not find any mile stones about Jim Corbett, however all the mile stones informed about the distance and direction towards Nainital. That got Siso worried. May be his Mount Abu formula was not valid for Nainital and may be this way was leading to Jim Corbett via Nainital. So we decided to ask the way to Jim Corbett at Bilaspur. People there were clueless when we asked about Jim Corbett. I think aisa angreji type naam un logon ne pahli baar suna tha. (we were only 60 KMs away from Jim Corbett). Finally one intelligent person suggested, "Newspaper wale se puchho, use pata hoga." To this I told Siso, "chal yahan se. jis gaon me sabse samajhdaar aadmi akhbaar wala hai wohan hume kuchh nahi milne wala." We drove on.

Finally we stopped at Haldwani for tea and there we asked the way to Jim Corbett. We were told that we will have to go to Ramnagar for that. Ramnagar-Rampur got us little confused but we managed to reach Ramnagar. Since we had no idea about what, how, where; we drove on NH 121 and finally stopped at one of the gates of Jim Corbett. It was 9:10 AM. At the inquiry counter there, we were told that next safari will be at 2 PM and we will have to go back to Ramnagar for that. The guy at the inquiry counter gave me contact number of Chandan, who will do that arrangements for us.

We reached Ramnagar, met Chandan and gave him our name and ID details. It was 10 AM and we were to meet Chandan again at 1:30 PM. We decided to eat something. We went to a place which claimed to serve food. The menu at that place even claimed to serve chatpata indian. I couldn't take any risks and asked for maggie. Siso settled for cheese sandwich. The guy who was taking our orders made me repeat the order 5 times. Looks like nobody before us ordered cheese sandwich there. We ate whatever they served. We then got a room for 3 hours to rest. Siso went to sleep. I kept awake playing solitaire.

At 12:30, we left the room and went out to eat lunch. The menu there inspired by IPL categorized foods under Delhi Deardevils (not Daredevils), Mumbai Indians and Chennai SuperKings. We ordered food, it was unexpectedly decent. Then we left to meet Chandan at our agreed spot at 1:20 PM.

For the pics refer SmokerJoe's facebook page.

An old conversation with some credit card customer care

Found this conversation in my e-mail archive today. Pasting it here as it is. I think it might be a good read for some of you.
.....................................................................................
me
25/02/2008 01:39 PM

To
abc@xyz.com
cc
headcardservices@xyz.com, cardservices@xyz.com
Subject
Complaint Regarding Credit Card Application

Dear ABC,

I used to hold one of your gold credit cards (XXXXXXXXXXXX2684), which I have got cancelled last week. This card was issued to me in March,07.

As soon as I received above card, I started getting promotional calls for your One Credit card, I received and answered 27 such calls in my memory. 27th time I agreed to apply for that card. Application Ref. # 080218021

I met XYZ Bank representative twice, once for filling up the form and 2nd time for collection of certain documents.

Post which I received 9 confirmation calls, asking for same details (mother's maiden name, date of birth, address etc) and after answering these nine confirmation calls, I receive following mail from cardservices@xyz.com.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date : 31/01/2008


Dear MR GAURAV V TIWARI,

This is with reference to your application for an XYZ Bank credit card - Application Ref. # 080218021

We have reviewed your application and express our inability to process the same, as we could not establish contact with you.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in the XYZ Credit Card product and look forward to a valuable relationship with you in the future.

In case you require any assistance, please feel free to call our Bank by Phone service in your city and our executive will be glad to assist you.


Assuring you of our best services always.


Warm Regards,

XYZ Bank "Active Alert" Services

This is an automated message, please donot reply to this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason for rejecting my application was stated that XYZ bank could not establish contact with me. (Have highlighted that part of the mail). After answering 9 confirmation calls and meeting your representative twice, the reason stated in the mail is as absurd as it can possibly be.

I called up your bank by phone service to enquire about the same, but since they did not have any clue, I was transferred to Mr Rishikesh, in your customer loyalty department. He heard my query and promised to get the same resolved.
Post which I received three of your Gold Cards in a span on 4 days, (XXXXXXXXXXXX7262, XXXXXXXXXXXX0266, XXXXXXXXXXXX2677), for which I haven't applied or filled any froms.

Every time I received the card, I called up XYZ bank and spoke to Mr T or Mr R in your customer loyalty department. Finally Mr R promised to process my Credit card Request for One Card and assured me, that I'll not be receiving anymore gold cards and anymore phone calls.

For next 15 days I did not hear anything or received any communication (written or verbal) from XYZ and realised how insensitive you are towards your customers and decided to end all the relationship with XYZ bank and got my original gold card (XXXXXXXXXXXX2684) cancelled.

I also got all my phone nos (99xxxxxx71, 93xxxxxx46, 022xxxxxx98 and 022xxxxxx54) registered for DNC (DNC registration provided on website is not working have tried multiple times in a span of 8 months, get that fixed asap, else if someone complains against it XYZ bank might be in trouble).

Yesterday (24/02/08) again I received one call on 022xxxxxx98 and another on 99xxxxxx71 for confirming the details for my credit card application (which I have already confirmed 9 times). I instructed the caller not to call again as I am not interested in having any relationship with XYZ bank. Still I received another call today (25/02/08) on 022xxxxxx54 for the same thing.

Request you to stop this nonsense and do not test my patience. Please don't harass me with those nonsense calls asking for same details again and again.

I am expecting to receive a positive response from you. Also hope after this mail you will change certain processes in your bank related to telemarketing and credit card processing mainly to ensure that no other customer has to go through what I have experienced.

For now, I am not recommending XYZ bank to any of my friends or colleagues as I don't want them to go through this kind of tormenting experience.

For your information, I also work in Cards department of A Bank and have an idea of how card issuance process work, so please don't send me any absurd response.

PS: I registered for NDNC on 19/11/07 (Reference No W10xxxxxx31), can anyone in your bank explain how my promotional calls did not stop post same.

-
Thanks & Regards
Gaurav Tiwari
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered."
.....................................................................................
abc@xyz.com
26/02/2008 16:11

To: me
cc: def@xyz.com
Subject: Re: Complaint Regarding Credit Card Application

Dear Mr. Tiwari,

Thank you for sharing your feedback. I regret the inconvenience caused.

My colleague Mr DEF will facilitate a resolution in this regard. I regret that you experience has not been commensurate with our service standards and request you to treat it as an exception.

Regards
ABC
.....................................................................................
me
13/03/2008 10:54 AM

To
abc@xyz.com
cc
def@xyz.com
Subject
Re: Complaint Regarding Credit Card Application

Dear Mr. ABC,

One of your executives called me up last week, but it seemed she hadn't read my mail carefully, because she kept asking me about the same details that I have already written in my mail below.

Anyway, I got even more irritated with this and requested your executive to just stop any promotional calls to all my phone nos.

Today again I have received one call from XYZ bank (012xxxxxx51) asking for gold card application. Request you to tighten the processes at your end and stop such nonsense calls.

I have clearly mentioned in my earlier mail that I have my no registered for NDNC, have got all my nos registered for DNC with XYZ bank.

Expect some action, else I'll be forced to complain against XYZ bank to respective regulatory authorities.

-
Thanks & Regards
Gaurav Tiwari
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered."
.....................................................................................
abc@xyz.com
13/03/2008 13:32

To: me
cc: def@xyz.com
Subject: Re: Complaint Regarding Credit Card Application

Dear Mr. Tiwari,

I regret to note your experience. I request you to share the numbers from where you have received the calls and on which telephone number to help us investigate and revert to you.

The information sought above which will help us establish the root cause and address it. I would aldo recommend that you register your telephone nos. on the NDNC with your telecom operator.

Regards
ABC
.....................................................................................
me
03/13/2008 02:43 PM


To: abc@xyz.com
cc: def@xyz.com
Subject: Re: Complaint Regarding Credit Card Application

Mr ABC,

It seems you have not read any of my mails clearly. In both my mails I have mentioned that I am registered for NDNC with my telecom operator, my NDNC registration is active from 19/11/07 (Reference No W10xxxxxx31).

There is clearly some flaw at your tele-promotions end. Either your marketing team is not bothered about NDNC and they are simply ignoring it or there are some process gaps.

I have also mentioned the no on which I am receiving these calls (99xxxxxx71) and the no from which I have received the recent call (012xxxxxx51) today at 10:46AM.

You can not expect me to remember all the nos from where I have received all my earlier calls. Only thing I remember about those nos is all of them were Delhi nos, starting with 4, if that helps.

-
Thanks & Regards
Gaurav Tiwari
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered."
.....................................................................................

Humne Jeena Seekh Liya

जिस राह मे हम थे बढे चले, उस राह मे तेज हवाएं थी;
हम गिरे, उठे और फिर से चले, तूफानों से लड़ना सीख लिया.
थी कठिन डगर लम्बा रास्ता, पर हमने जीना सीख लिया.

चाहा गुलाब को छूना जब, मेरे हाथ छुभे थे कांटे भी;
हमने सीखा एक और सबब, काटों से बचना सीख लिया.
थी कठिन डगर लम्बा रास्ता, पर हमने जीना सीख लिया.

मेरे पांव पढे अन्गारों पर, अन्गारों ने हमे जलाया भी;
चल कर इन् आग की राहों पर, अन्गारों मे जीना सीख लिया.
थी कठिन डगर लम्बा रास्ता, पर हमने जीना सीख लिया.

Attempted to write poetry after very very long time. Hope you guys like it.

Horizon

When I was small and used to live in my village, during my visits to my farms I used to look at the horizon and actually believe that far away there is a place where earth meets the sky. At times I used to run towards it spreading my hands in the air in order to touch the sky. The longer I ran, farther the point where the earth meets the sky gone.

Now I have gone through schools and college; and have been taught that there is no such place where the earth meets the sky. Call me a fool, I am still running hands spread in the air trying to touch the sky. Although there is one thing that sometimes scares me. What if I manage to touch the sky? What will happen then? No running, no spreading of hands in the air. Will I be happy or sad? I don't have the answer. I just know one thing. In all these years I have started to love the running.

Recent Encounter with Credit Card People

03/05/10
11:00 AM
I get a call from Mr X, who claims to be calling on behalf of XYZ Bank and is offering me a premium segment credit card from the bank. I like the offer and agree to take the card.
11:30 AM
Ms Y calls from the same bank to verify certain details and ask me to be ready with the copies of all the necessary documents. She informs me that one of the Bank's agents would visit me at my office in the afternoon to collect the documents.
4:30 PM
Mr Z from the XYZ bank visits me at my office and I hand over the relevant document copies to him and fill the necessary details on the application from.

(The funny part begins now)
04/05/10
2:00 PM
I get a call from Ms Y and the conversation goes something like this:
Ms Y: Sir I am calling from XYZ bank regarding your credit card application and need to verify certain details.
Me: Ok.
Ms Y: Sir, you stay in a rented place in Mumbai or owned? (this was already mentioned by me in the form)
Me: Rented.
Ms Y: What is your permanent address?
Me: I have a house in my village but nobody lives there anymore, will that work?
Ms Y: No sir. Where do your parents stay?
Me: My parents live in Kanpur, but that place again is rented.
Ms Y: Sir, do you have a landline there?
Me: No.
Ms Y: Sir, in that case when you get a call from our head office confirming for details, please tell them that you live with your parents.
Me: But I don't live with my parents, so why should I lie.
Ms Y: Sir, otherwise you would not get the card.
Me: Then please don't give me the card. Reject my application.
Ms Y: Sir, there is nothing wrong in it, there is anyways no hard verification for such things.
Me: But I would not lie for getting a credit card. I already have other bank's cards and in no desperate need for additional card.
Ms Y: Ok sir.
(She hangs up.)
As soon as she hangs up, I get a call from Mr X, who sold me the card.
Mr X: Sir, this is X from XYZ bank.
Me: Yes X, tell me.
Mr X: Sir, I need a small favour from you.
Me: If it is to lie about my details, forget it. I don't need your card.
Mr X: At least you can say that you are married. (he was one step ahead)
Me: Listen X. You have a criteria to issue this credit card and it seems I don't fulfill the criteria. So you simply reject my application. I wont mind.
Mr X: No sir. You fulfill all the criteria and would be a valuable customer for us.
Me: Then give me the card. Why are you making such a simple thing so complicated?
Mr X: But sir, if you have a rented place in Mumbai, you will have to either be married of living with your family to get the card.
Me: Which means I don't satisfy the necessary criteria.
Mr X: If you could just say you are married, your application will be processed.
Me: Listen X, I don't like to lie.
Mr X: But sir, it's no problem, you don't have to produce any evidence.
Me: It's not about evidence. I am just not the kind of person who would lie to get a credit card. You are asking me to change as a person to just get a credit card.
Mr X: Ok sir, we will forward your application.
Me: Thank you.

I thought the conversation was over.

05/05/10
2:35 PM
I was just out of a long meeting and to my surprise I again receive a call from XYZ Bank. This time it was a new person, lets call her Ms A.
Ms A: Sir, I am calling on behalf of XYZ Bank. Just needed to verify certain details.
Me: Please go ahead.
Ms A: Sir, your date of birth is 04/07/1983.
Me: That's correct.
Ms A: You live in a rented apartment in Mumbai.
Me: Yes.
Ms A: For how long you are staying in this place.
Me: Almost one and half year.
Ms A: Sir, when you get a call from our office for verification, just tell then you are married.
Me: I think I have been through this before with X and I clearly told him I am not gonna supply any false information. You can happily reject my application.
Ms A: Sir then can you give us your parents land line no.?
Me: They don't have a land line.
Ms A: Any neighbors no.?
Me: No.
Ms A: Sir any friends' contact nos.
Me: Are you out of your mind. I don't understand what my friends', family's or neighbors' nos are relevant for my credit card application and I am not going to provide you any. Please reject my application and don't bother me with such ridiculous calls again.

I am hoping I don't get another call tomorrow.

What toothbrush do you use?

Every time you switch on your TV there is a fair chance that you will end up watching some commercial, no matter what channel you are watching. I find those toothbrush and toothpaste ads where someone posing as a dentist will claim that he uses this particular product because 80% of dentists across the world use the same.

If you notice, you will find that 80% of dentist use colgate, 80% use pepsodent other 80% use oral b toothbrushes and so on. Sometime I wonder how many dentists across the world brush their teeth multiple times and each time they use a different brand toothbrush.

Ant & Grasshopper

I received this forward sometime back and was thinking to put this here. Go through the story and let me know, if you are also one of the ants. I think the ants in the story is a metaphor for all Honest Indian Tax Payers. Here it goes:

Original Version:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.


Modern Version:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bharat Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial inquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes ' Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it ' Socialistic Justice '.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.


Many years later...

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley .

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India...

As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, India is still a developing country !!!

You may call me V!

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V. (V's introduction to Evey, in "V for Vendetta")